This is not Peter Jackson’s Fellowship of the Ring. A 1991 Russian-language adaptation of JRR Tolkien’s book recently surfaced on YouTube, and it’s—to put it mildly—a hoot.
The Guardian reports that the 1991 film, called Khraniteli, was a made-for-TV movie that’s believed to be the only LOTR adaptation made in the Soviet Union. It boasts a score by Andrei Romanov of the band Akvarium, which lends a distinctive low-budget-music-video vibe to the opening scenes of badly costumed men pushing their way through spindly trees.
Supposedly, Khraniteli only aired once. People knew the film existed, but there was no way to watch it until it appeared, in two parts, online last week.
I have not watched the whole thing, but even a cursory skip through the first half hour or so is a very special experience. Actors look at the camera a lot. Gandalf has a touch of purple highlight in his bangs. The wigs look as if they’ve been recycled from a high school drama program after decades of use. The Nazgul’s horses have some baffling flashy red tack. One hobbit appears to be a fan of a pacifier, while Frodo seems to have skipped over from a matinee of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and forgotten to change his costume.
Tom Bombadil fans, your time has come.
You may ask why the hobbits are hovering in midair, but this is more of a “don’t ask questions” situation. You can start watching here.
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Russian Tom Bombadil looks ANGRY (Clearly somebody forgot to include Goldberry in this particular adaptation).
Ok this is what I call alternative
Welp, time to let the “In Soviet Middle Earth…” jokes start rolling in
I became aware of this… whatever it is, a while ago. I forwarded through some of it, enough to know that you’d need to pay me GOOD MONEY to watch this.
Well, maybe with some good weed….
@@.-@ Your order of Longbottom Leaf is on its way, sir …
In Soviet Middle-Earth Party is never unexpected
In Soviet Middle-Earth, long-bottom leaf smokes You!
@@@@@ 4 & @@@@@ 8: ROFL
In Soviet Middle-Earth, you give gifts TO Annatar!
In Soviet Middle-Earth, Boromir simply walks into Mordor
In Soviet Middle-Earth, the oppressed masses of Orcs and Dwarves band together to overthrow the bourgeoise Hobbits and their feudal Elf and Wizard masters and seize the means of production to establish a dictatorship of the proletariate.
In Soviet Middle-Earth if you come between the Nazgul and his prey, you will be sent to gulag…
@12. IIRC there’s a actually a Russian book that has the Orks as the good guys. I think it got discussed in the LoTR Reread sometime ago.
I am oddly reassured to learn that not all Soviet movies were on the same level as Eisenstein and Tarkovsky…
@14. That would be The Last Ringbearer, by Kirill Eskov (or Yeskov, depending on who’s transliterating the name from Cyrillic). Published in 1999, translated into English in 2010 (2nd ed. 2011) by Yisroel Markov and available as a free, non-commercial e-book.
In Soviet Middle-Earth, the crownless again shall NOT be king.
@17
In Soviet Middle-Earth, the crownless shall be driven into exile and replaced by committee of the proletarieat.
So, is there some devoted, bilingual fan with a high pain tolerance who could put subtitles on this? Or someone with a lot of time and google translate?
In Soviet Middle Earth …
… wait! This is year that ends with Soviet Middle Earth becoming post-Soviet Middle Earth.
Merry Christmas!